I’m out of my comfort zone right now. And, surprisingly, it feels fantastic.
I feel a gentle flutter-by within my heart, an energetic rhythm inside my being, a general sense of freedom, or maybe just an I don’t give a [cuss]! attitude of spirit.
You know, I think it’s been fear that’s kept me comfortable in the past. Actually, I think I just might know it has. The other day, I read some simple, straightforward advice.
Do the thing you’re afraid to do.
That’s why I’m out of my comfort zone. I’m doing the thing I’ve been afraid to do, for a long time.
What I’m about to share with you is nothing new, especially if you’re a fellow unpublished, often rejected, and maybe even dejected writer. I’ve wanted to write for as long as I can remember. And I have.
I’ve written poetry, children’s stories, short stories, and personal essays. I’ve also filed them away in boxes, drawers, and cabinets. Years ago, I posted submissions the old-fashioned way, and awaited the snail mail letters of acceptance or rejection.
And they arrived. Only, as a writer, I hadn’t arrived. Which reminds me of another bit of advice I’ve read recently.
Don’t take rejection to heart.
The letters of rejection were sometimes kind – my submission was well-written, inspiring, but simply not a fit at this time. Most often they were routine form letters with no feedback other than the flat-out rejection.
The worst rejection happened while my then 8-year-old little love and I were browsing through a children’s bookstore one day. “Mummy! Mummy!” she shouted, running toward me with an open book in her hands. “It’s your story!” And it was.
And this was the worst sort of rejection – my story was published, only with another’s name on the cover. I was dejected. I stopped submitting my writing. I eventually stopped writing.
It’s taken me years (she’s now a 21-year-old little love who still browses book stores with me) to let go of this particular rejection, the fear that gripped me I gripped, the comfort that comes from not actually being open to being rejected, and dejected.
Not taking rejection to heart has been a lengthy life lesson for me, but I’ve learned. I’ve learned that rejection is really about the other’s needs, wants, and choices. Rejection really isn’t personal – but we sometimes choose to make it personal, to take it personally.
Dare to put yourself out there.
Around the new year, a free-spirited, free-lance writing heroine asked me if I intended to expand the reach of my blog. Was that a whisper of acceptance? I get warm, happy fuzzies just remembering our exchange.
I responded, telling her that I simply enjoyed writing at my little, free WordPress blog, that I was lucky to have a handful of regular readers, that I had a good and busy day job. Then I dared to ask, “Why?” to which she promptly responded, “Just wondering.” Was that a whisper of rejection?
I dared to share my stories of rejection and the final nail of dejection, to which she simply replied, “That’s good.” What the [cuss] kind of [cussing] writing heroine are you? Then she continued, “That just means your writing is good enough to be published.”
And then it smacked me square in the middle of my soul – it didn’t matter if my writing heroine accepted or rejected my writing, or even if another person’s name was on it, my writing was good enough to be published. She was simply mentoring me, prompting me to realize this.
As I’ve practiced living my life out loud, I’ve begun to write again. I’ve written here at my blog for many months (this post is my 50th – yay, me!), have submitted posts to other blogs (recently published at Tiny Buddha – yay, me, again!), and am currently working on another children’s story. I am a writer, a published writer.
Step out of your comfort zone.
A few weeks ago, our family decided to dine out at a new, local indie restaurant. It’s an Italian diner so I knew what I wanted to order even before we’d arrived – baked manicotti in marinara sauce – dee-lish!
As we sat down I didn’t even bother to open the menu, only to discover upon ordering that baked manicotti was not actually on the menu. I quickly looked at the specials board and ordered something equally as delicious, I’d hoped.
A few moments later, the server appeared again to inform me that the special was no longer available. By now I was feeling uncomfortable – I would have to order something out of my comfort zone, and speedy-quick-like – the server was not going to stand around while I tried to remain comfortable.
I can’t even remember now what it was I did order – it was, of course, as delicious as I’d hoped. I didn’t take my assumption that what I wanted would actually be on the menu personally, and I didn’t take the rejection of what I wanted personally either.
I just stayed with the uncomfortableness, just stepped out of my comfort zone, and I discovered a different deliciousness.
I’m uncomfortable, and I feel fantastic.
I am uncomfortable. Since putting my writing out there, new readers have visited my blog, readers who are likely expecting to discover something delicious. Some have enjoyed what they’ve sampled after venturing over here from Tiny Buddha (welcome, dear new readers), but many who enjoyed my post over there have decided not to return to my blog here (thanks, but no thanks, eh).
That is uncomfortable. It feels like rejection. It actually is rejection. But it’s okay because I know rejection is simply about their choices to browse the menu, maybe try something new, and maybe even return. Or not.
Either way, I feel fantastic.
Do you have a story of rejection to share? How do you accept rejection? Has someone you love experienced rejection lately? Share this post. Sometimes just knowing that others struggle with the acceptance of rejection is enough to help.
Congratulations on your Tiny Buddha post!!! That’s huge!! I really connect with this post. Years ago I decided I would never NOT to something merely out of fear. I could decline things if I truly didn’t want to, but if fear had anything to do with it, I’m taking it on. I also will not let my kids not do anything due to fear alone.
This past year I’ve felt like as I grow, with each struggle, I run towards life with my arms wide open waiting to embrace, hoping to run into, the next big struggle/pain. It hurts, it’s uncomfortable, but I know it’s fabulous on the other side, and that I CAN GET THROUGH IT. With each new struggle I feel like i run faster downhill to embrace the next. Because I’m stronger and more improved for the next.
And in the end, really, being within the discomfort is the hardest part. And I can do it. It’s not comfortable, but it’s good…
This really resonated, thank you!
Thank you! I must say, I was so excited to see my post when I visited Tiny Buddha yesterday just to read. I’m so glad and grateful that you get this post about my lengthy writing lesson. This was a difficult one to write, not because of fear, but because I couldn’t quite get across the message that I’ve steadily grown to appreciate rejection instead of fearing it. It is a wondrous teacher, and, yes, fear can simply remind us to do what we are afraid to do. You are so brave – I admire your conviction to take things on in spite of fear. And, yes, it is fabulous and fantastic on the other side. AWESOME!
Brave? I think the courage is the realization and belief that we can all live through rejection and fear. “Appreciate rejection”–yes. I look forward to my failures and the funny things life throws at us–even the pain during the growth process FEELS different when we KNOW things will be better on the other end IF we stop fighting it and let things unfold as they should. Some days are better than others, but the experience of fear and rejection and failure and uncertainty is different when you stop fighting. Methinks at least, but what do I know?
Here’s to rejection, my friend!
Enjoyed and am continuing to enjoy reading your writings. My first read of your writing was from Tiny Buddha which lead me to your blog.
Thank you.
Hello, Kumar,
Thank you for reading my post, your kind words, and connecting with me here at my blog. It was such an honor to be published at Tiny Buddha yesterday. I am a regular reader there, and simply took a chance at submitting a post. And, well, I’m happy I did. I’ve made some wonderful connections, including ours.
Smiles!
Through Tiny Buddha I found, A Wild One Within. It makes me smile.
I haven’t put much thought towards my fear of rejection but I have focused on not letting my fear control my “One Within.” Learning and growing from changes in life – instead of missing out due to fear of change.
Thinking about how rejection has shaped me… this is good.
It makes me smile, too, that you’ve found something to appreciate here at my blog. Thank you.
How we look at rejection and acceptance is quite interesting to me–the causes of our insecurities and confidences vary.
For some, they recall abandonment, for others, unrequited love, and for me, it’s been my creativity.
Yes, we must allow our “ones within” to flourish despite our fears. We must see rejection and acceptance as shapers of our lives.
Thank you for joining in on this conversation. Your comment is insightful.
Hi. The are very few blogs that I read but right now I read yours. Will I always… No. Not because I no longer enjoy your writing but because at some point I will move on and have other things to read. For me writing is a gift that we give to others and although being published is a wonderful accolade, a place to arrive at….. It’s perhaps our gifts that we know nothing about that are the highest accolade.
For example today you have given me a precious gift. A gift of insight. When I started reading about fear I immediately went to “that’s something other people do”. Other people do it because I have always need to be fearless. I was abandoned young, I fought in wars, I have explored and lived across the globe, I have thrown myself down mountains, have swam with the oceans creatures deep below the waves. I said to myself “I am not afraid of anything”
And then your word “rejection” struck me (and I sit here with tears in my eyes) “Bloody hell!” I thought, the thing that has motivated me, that I have run away from most of my life and still am is rejection. Rejection born when my parents put me into boarding school at the age of 6 (and I know in their own way they loved me) to live their own lives.
Many of the decisions I have made in life have been because of my fear of rejection or of rejecting someone else. A huge confidence has grown out of the soil of rejection as has my “fearlessness” However so too has the tall wall that surrounds my own great vulnerability. My nakedness covered over by a facade of confidence and stories of adventure.
In some of the work I have done recently I know that it is not the reaching of millions that is important but rather the single lives we touch and make a difference. I have also learnt that the most powerful way to do this is without expectation and with the knowledge that most often I will not know how I have touched a life. My only goal is to touch with love and gentleness. That the ripples I make on the ocean of life reach you with a smile. (and gosh I still mess this up regularly, even with the intent of walking gently I stomp about with a scowl)
Thank you for making it possible for me to access something on the cold wet morning that I may not have in the same way. Your writing and I sense your spirit, is gentle and insightful.
Blessings, Mike.
Hi, Mike,
Wow! I’ve read your comment a few times through. Your words are an inspiring post in themselves.
Yes! Writing is a gift we give to others. And my writing here on my blog is a gift to myself as well. It’s a personal personal growth blog.
You know, I think we all experience fear, but each of us faces it in different ways. We are all fearless in some ways.
And we all have our own stories, which carry with them the recollections and remnants of our insecurities and confidences, our pains and pleasures.
Sometimes I see that “tall wall” as a boundary that needs to be there because the fear is temporarily too much to face.
But face fear we must, else we live in it. And, for me, love and happiness do not co-exist with fear. Whatever I may fear, I muster up the courage to recognize it, be with it, and let it go.
I think vulnerability has quite mistakingly been thought of as weakness in society when it is actually a sign of strength in opening up and openly facing our fears.
I too believe in the ripples of compassion, kindness, and love, one small act at a time.
Thank you for reading my post, Mike, and writing such an insightful response.
You are fearless to me! Smiles!
I thought you might like this
The Diary of Anais Nin, 1947-1955
The suppression of inner patterns in favor of patterns created by society is dangerous to us. Artistic revolt, innovation, experiment should not be met with hostility. They may disturb an established order or an artificial conventionality, but they may rescue us from death in life, from robot life, from boredom, from loss of the self, from enslavement.
When we totally accept a pattern not made by us, not truly our own, we wither and die. People’s conventional structure is often a façade. Under the most rigid conventionality there is often an individual, a human being with original thoughts or inventive fantasy, which he does not dare expose for fear of ridicule, and this is what the writer and artist are willing to do for us. They are guides and map makers to greater sincerity. They are useful, in fact indispensable, to the community. They keep before our eyes the variations which make human beings so interesting. The men who built America were the genuine physical adventurers in a physical world. This world once built, we need adventurers in the realm of art and science. If we suppress the adventure of the spirit, we will have the anarchist and the rebel, who will burst out from too narrow confines in the form of violence and crime.
I thought you might like this.
The Diary of Anais Nin, 1947-1955
The suppression of inner patterns in favor of patterns created by society is dangerous to us. Artistic revolt, innovation, experiment should not be met with hostility. They may disturb an established order or an artificial conventionality, but they may rescue us from death in life, from robot life, from boredom, from loss of the self, from enslavement.
When we totally accept a pattern not made by us, not truly our own, we wither and die. People’s conventional structure is often a façade. Under the most rigid conventionality there is often an individual, a human being with original thoughts or inventive fantasy, which he does not dare expose for fear of ridicule, and this is what the writer and artist are willing to do for us. They are guides and map makers to greater sincerity. They are useful, in fact indispensable, to the community. They keep before our eyes the variations which make human beings so interesting. The men who built America were the genuine physical adventurers in a physical world. This world once built, we need adventurers in the realm of art and science. If we suppress the adventure of the spirit, we will have the anarchist and the rebel, who will burst out from too narrow confines in the form of violence and crime.
Hi, Mike,
I remember reading about Sabina in A Spy in the House of Love. I will add the Diary (several volumes, right?) to my wish list.
It’s quite a dichotomy, this thing called society, which is composed of individuals, individuals who struggle to live out loud.
I agree with what you have written, but how to remedy it? That is the hardest work of all, I think.
♡eM
I once had a mentor that told me the only way to grow is to step outside your comfort zone. I carry that advice with me anytime I do something uncomfortable or scary.
Your story about the italian place reminds me of an experiment I tried a while back. For a few months, every time I went out to eat I would try to get something new that I never had before. I actually ended up discovering some new yummy things that became my favorite dishes.
Hi, Eric,
Your mentor was wise indeed. I think gently stretching ourselves yields the growth we want while it doesn’t overwhelm us, or worse. I call that “loving nudging” and I’ve found it to work best for me.
Your foodie experiment is one I’d love to try. I tend to latch on to my favorites, even the predictable “you-can’t-go-wrong” ordering this standard fare sort of routine.
I think I’ll try something new today!
♡eM
I read you there, I’m reading you now… I will come back!
Writing, as reading, is a kind of happiness.
I’m glad and grateful that you have found my words to be of value to you.
Smiles!
The stolen story! My jaw dropped wide open.
As did mine, at the time.
I wanted to inform you that I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! You can read about the nomination here.
http://nostroviawriting.wordpress.com/recognition-awards-blogger/
Hey, Jeremiah!
Wow! Thank you for this Very Inspiring honor! I will treasure it on my special honors page.
Thank you for thinking of me–I appreciate you.
Smiles!
Here’s a thought about perceived rejection and not taking it personally. Since you’ve changed the title of your blog, it doesn’t show up in my reader although the top bar indicates that I still follow you.
I’ve been having to hunt your blog down. Today it actually showed up in my reader but when I clicked on what appeared to be the title it led me to “page not found.”. I have no idea about how wordpress really works but I wanted you to know that at least one reader here has had your blog vanish from my list.
Sometimes I choose to give life the benefit of the doubt and consider that appearances aren’t really a reflection on my worth.
Hey there, Riverpearl,
It did strike me as odd that readers suddenly just stopped reading, but I didn’t perceive it as rejection. I just figured they were no longer interested. That’s how blogging/writing goes sometimes. And I’m truly at peace with that, now (as you can read from this post).
But then I realized that the readers had disappeared right after I changed my blog’s name and address, just after having been Freshly Pressed too (lots of new readers). I began to suspect that, although the WordPress support/tutorial assured me followers would follow the new blog, they actually weren’t.
And then a thought came – if readers really want to read me, they’ll somehow stumble upon me, even hunt me down, as you have done (golly, thanks!). I was okay with the loss of readers – I figured new readers would show up and connect.
But, as with all connections, I don’t want my dear, old readers to think I’ve just up and vanished, slipped out into the blogosphere without a word. So I posted a notice at the old blog this morning, but that is what you clicked on only to discover “page not found”.
Hmmm, so that didn’t work. What you need to do is unfollow me. Then follow me again (if you want to, of course). Another reader helped me to figure out how to sort out this glitch.
I hope you will follow me again, but if you decide not to, I’ll still sift through the Reader and visit you.
Thanks for the information. I’ve tried to work around this glitch, but unless everyone else decides to hunt me down, I don’t see how I can.
I just did the unfollow and follow thing and hopefully that will help. I did search out your blog when I noticed it “missing” but this will be so much easier to be reminded of it in the reader. I didn’t know you’d been freshly pressed. Congratulations!
Most of the bloggers I began following rarely post any more and most of the people who follow me have quit posting as well, as I’ve learned when I took the time to check it out.
It’s true that people’s interests change. Last August I became interested in raw foods and began following blogs about that (which has nothing to do with what I write about.) Since then I’ve learned I need to eat differently than a raw food diet so I’m no longer interested in that at this time. Such is life!
Wow! I’ve been eating a lot more raw food, vegetable stir fry and soups too on these cold nights. And I just finished a 10-day body cleanse my ND planned and prescribed. I feel fantastic! I have some great recipes I will try to post someday. The sun is shining and we’re off for a hike. Enjoy the rest of your Sunday day of rest. Smiles!
Good points. Though I am not a writer, I have experienced some of the same lessons through blogging. I was hesitant to put myself out there, afraid of the unknown, but tasting failure has certainly been an important part of the learning process.
And so I try to improve daily–the challenge goes on.
Hey, there, Slamdunk,
If you are a blogger, you are a writer. Do you agree? Improving ourselves daily, in every way, is the only way to live. Thanks for stopping in and reading my post.
Smiles!
♡eM
You are welcome eM. You are correct about being called a “writer,” but I differentiate myself from the talented folks who blog and write with the hope of one day being a published author–I call those folks writers. I am not that talented.
Anyway, enjoy your week.
Thanks, and I hope your week is wondrous as well!
Congratulations on being Freshly Pressed and also on the Tiny Buddha post!! I too had you disappear from my reader list. I’m going to “refollow” you to see if that works. Fortunately, I still get an email notification on your blog, but its so much easier if you are on my “reader” list.
Hello, Carol,
Thanks for “unfollowing” me. I suppose I should contact WordPress support to find out if there is anything I can do about this glitch.
Smiles!
Great post. I especially like the way you characterize your relationship with fear–how in the past you were comfortable with it and how you gripped IT. So true about the nature of fear.
Fear is a funny thing, isn’t it? I think we sometimes get comfortable with this limiting and gripping emotion.
Thanks for stopping in and reading my post — I appreciate your kind words.
Smiles!
This was a lovely post. I’m so glad you have shared your writing. I hope you keep sharing in as many ways as you can. It’s a blessing to all of us.
Thank you for your kind words. I’ve enjoyed reading your blog and I appreciate your knack for writing mindful humor.