Purging the Green-Eyed Gremlin

That little green-eyed gremlin has been at me for years. Maybe it wasn’t always around – or maybe I just didn’t notice it much – I think it might have just been more cleverly disguised when I was a kid.

But as I’ve lived, from birthing babes to managing menopause to coveting the clarity of the crone, I’ve noticed that gremlin lurking, sometimes popping right into my mind, scaring the sweet bejesus right out of me.

I’ve fed into it, allowed it to have its way with me, and now that gremlin resides within me.

© Ame Jo Hughes 2012

That green-eyed gremlin is envy.

Over the years, as the pounds have padded on, I’ve felt increasingly more envious of people who eat whatever they want, whenever they want it, wherever they are. How can they eat like that and not gain weight? My own husband is one of those people, lucky and good for him.

There are probably a lot of reasons the weight has gained on me. My mother gained it, and from the old photographs, I can see her mother before her did as well. I’ve birthed two beautiful babes. And, like other wonders of aging, the old thyroid just ain’t what it used to be.

I eat well and organic (mindful eating moments), exercise and meditate (practice in progress), and have even depreciated my appreciation of wine. Whenever I mumble, “I need to eat more healthily,” my teen love pipes up, “Mum, you eat better than anyone I know!” I’ll take her encouragement, even if everyone she knows eats crap food.

But despite all these simple explanations and the self-loving nudging to keep at it, this weight, that little gremlin is still here. I’ve dug deeply over the years, but always seem to stop just short of unearthing the little bugger and beating the bloody green juice out of it.

I’m not envious, I just feel envy.

But I continue to dig deep, to find out why I feel envious of others. Is it natural to want what others have? Probably. But don’t I have everything I need, and much of what I want? Yes. Is it healthy to constantly struggle with this worry over weight? No. Does worry ever work? Nope. Is it kind and loving to compare myself to others? Not at all. Am I not one of my favorite people on Earth? Why, yes, I am.

It’s not that I want what those people have, their lives, to be them – I truly don’t want to live anyone’s life but mine, to be anyone else but me. I’ve worked and played long and hard at being me, at daring to live my life out loud. I’ve got a good life going here.

Do not overrate what you have received, nor envy others. He who envies others does not obtain peace of mind. – Buddha

Envy is an emotion, a state of dissatisfaction with one’s life that can lead to dis-ease of the body, mind, and spirit. I’m not living an envious life, but I do find myself feeling envious from time to time. And when I do feel that envy, I don’t feel happy. Because these emotions do not coexist. And that is why I choose to fight this gremlin.

Don’t feed the gremlins.

In fighting this gremlin, I simply choose not to feed into it. Do you know what gremlins feed upon? Doubt, insecurity, lack, resentment, meanness, fear, and self-loathing are just a few of its repulsive offerings. And do you know that when you feed a gremlin, you share in its feast? I think I’ll dine without you today, little gremlin.

When the envy gremlin pops up and glares at me with those little green eyes, I simply see it for what it truly is, a natural emotion that hinders and inhibits my life, me. It tries to stop me from doing what I can do, and being who I can be. Gremlin food is not healthy for human consumption. I choose to go and do without, little gremlin.

Notice and appreciate.

I’ve noticed that when envy does creep in, it’s when I’m fixated on what others have, while what is right in front of me, sometimes even within me, goes unnoticed, and even unappreciated. One little thing that quiets the grumbling gremlin is to simply notice what is around me, all that is part of my life.

At this moment I notice and appreciate gentle music, a flickering soy candle, hot green tea, the woods just outside the window, the warmth of our home on this chilly, cloudy day, the fingers that write, the mind that gives them the words, and my breath – my life. Quite the envy of others, I daresay. 😉

Be glad and grateful.

Be glad for the good fortune, and both the hard- and easily-earned successes, of others and yourself. Sure, you can be jealous or envious of others, or neutral and disinterested, or dissatisfied with your own lot in life. But why not decide to be glad? Because, really, it’s a choice. Gladness and gratefulness happily coexist. And don’t we all want more of what they bring, happiness?

Be happy for others and yourself. Practice rejoicing in all that is good, all that brings this happiness. Sometimes I just say to my husband, “I’m glad that you can eat whatever you want. You’re lucky.” And he just smiles with his juicy, mouth-full grin. And I enjoy my delicious, nutritious vegetable medley with fresh cilantro pesto dip. We’re happy for one another.

Purge the gremlin.

Despite the bouts with this gremlin, over the years I’ve come to fully understand, to completely accept that I simply cannot eat whatever I want unless I’m willing to accept the weight that gains. It’s just the way things are. I choose to be gentle with myself instead. I eat well. I live well. I love well.

I choose to purge this gremlin, to let go of this envy. I choose to be happy instead – I choose happiness for myself and others. It may come with a few wrinkles, a little weight gain. But it has come. And the gremlin has gone. For now.

Create your desire.

I’ve had many desires, and I’ve taken part in creating them too. I’ve found an absolutely amazing and adoring husband, raised two brilliant and beautiful little loves, work at a good and solid living, have built a comfortable and cozy home, and have the luckiest of lives.

And I know I can also create the body weight I desire – not the body I once had, or the body someone else has, but the body weight I can and will have. Along with the purging of this gremlin, has come a cleansing. I’m now on day five of a ten-day (ND planned and prescribed) body cleanse. I’m also cleansing my mind of the remnants of that gremlin gibberish.

And I am happy for me.

And you.

Do you love someone who compares him- or herself to others? Does he or she sometimes feel jealous or even envious? Please share this post. You just might help him or her purge that gremlin, or at the very least not feed into it.